when learning a second language

i never truly realized how exhausting (and exciting), learning a second language could be. mainly because i've only ever taken french in classroom settings, and as soon as i stepped out the door of that classroom, i was in an english-speaking environment. thus, i always had the option of speaking in a language i was comfortable at, my native tongue. i was never forced to speak french outside of the classroom because i never had to.

here in france.. the native language is french (only would make sense right?) there are instances where i cannot speak english because someone might not understand it, and therefore i am forced to speak only french-- despite if i know the proper words or not. the most frustrating part about not being fluent in french is not having the words to express myself.

a line that comes to mind is "lost in translation". this saying is completely accurate when learning a second language. jokes that are funny in english, make no sense in french. same goes for pop culture references, and music. it works the other way too. trying to understand something french in english terms does not work.

my biggest fault is always thinking in terms of "how would this translate to english?" but, i'm trying my best to move away from this mindset and think in terms of french only. it is difficult. and it actually exhausts me a lot, trying to think in a different language all of the time. i am just breaking the point where somethings i don't have to think in english, translate into french, then say it.. i can actually just say it in french without thinking about it first and properly constructing what i want to say in my head.

there is one thing i realize day after day: learning a second language has made me realize how much i take my first language for granted and how easily i speak it.

since i don't actually KNOW french (fluently that is), it is nice to actually KNOW english. it is nice to not have to think about what i want to say all the time before i say it or think about the tenses i'm using or the proper constructions in my head.. i can just SAY it. doesn't involve much effort. my brain contains all the words to express how i feel (obviously i learn new english words all the time too). i am especially lucky that i do not need to learn english now, because if trying to learn french has taught me something else, it's that english makes absolutely no sense in comparison to other languages. there are parts of english that i love in comparison to french.. not having masculine and feminine for every single object in the language.. and there are such things are "it"s. having to memorize not only an entirely new vocabulary, it is difficult also knowing whether something is f. or m. who cares if an inanimate object such as a toilet is "la toilette" or "le toilette"?! (it's "la", if you were wondering)

also, when learning french and messing up a lot and saying the wrong things, all the time, and feeling stupid a lot of the time.. it is nice to know that when i speak in english, i am not stupid.. i actually know what i am saying.

makes me wish i had been raised bilingual. i find myself being extremely jealous of my 2 and 8 year old cousins who are bilingual in French and English and who know 10 times more than i do.

damnit me for dropping french immersion when i was in grade 3 then dropping french in grade 10 of high school, if i could i'd kick 15 year old me.